Relationship

My mission: to have faith in faith.

It is fucking hard to accept that we literally cannot control a thing on this planet and in our lives. Neither the things we couldn’t care less about nor the most treasured ones. Least of all we can control people. The more we believe we actually can, the bigger the frustration when the illusion bursts.

How many desperate mothers struggle to fall asleep waiting for their teenage kids to come back home after multiple vain attempts to call them on their switched off mobile?

How many people suddenly learn about their partners single-handedly made decision to leave the country in order to find themselves or face some new exciting work challenge?

How many girlfriends or boyfriends are starring at their partner’s Facebook pages and phones being terrified of the opaque world of social media?

How many people obsess about living (their boring lives) as healthy as possible without drugs, sweets or meats and still end up having illnesses?

How many questions are being asked about attractive work colleagues or opposite gender best friends in relationships? And how much is not being asked but thought all over again?

Even our cat can suddenly decide to piss off in order to go hunting and stay away for a week or two without giving the tiniest fuck (EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE) about our vulnerable feelings and our love for that ungrateful fluffy thing! We cannot even control our cat, yes that’s right, not even a cat.

Sometimes when I try to kiss my best friend’s eldest son on his sweet little cheeks he wouldn’t let me, he simply says no straight to my face. I was holding his mum’s hand when she gave birth to him and cuddling him with tears in my eyes when he was a few hours old. And now his two year old majesty doesn’t want me to kiss him. Is this heartless? No, it’s called free will.

Funny enough we aren’t even in control of ourselves sometimes. How often do we promise ourselves not to call him, not to kiss her, not to eat that, no to go there, not to risk it and still call, kiss, eat, go and risk anyway. How can we then feel entitled to control others?

Our little lives are random and we probably need to learn to embrace change and loss of control. I might be able to get there one day. Still I am not willing to lose hope in myself and all the others.

I did have slight jealousy issues since I was a small child I believe. My mum tells me that I kept pinching my brothers chubby cheeks when I was unhappy with all the attention he was receiving as the new baby in the house. Both of my parents are quite jealous people. My entire life I watched them annoying each other with ridiculous questions and stupid accuses being nevertheless 37 years happily married. Maybe that’s why I happened to strongly believe that jealousy is a sign of love and care. Yesterday I learned that this is not true.

Being not able to chill whilst my beloved 4.5 years younger beautiful charismatic boyfriend is on a road trip through Europe with his mates attending a fashion show in Florence whilst I am stuck in London’s rainy non-summer clearly facing the omnipresence of the high possibility for him to encounter some bloomy models and revealing female attention, unpreparedly coming across a new world full of fanciness, beauty and glitter, drove me absolutely crazy. I understood that I needed to sort myself out asap, hence I still had 6 days to go without him and an entire life to live.

After a quick online book research I have found this book:
Life Without Jealousy: A Practical Guide (10-Step Empowerment) Paperback – March 6, 2009 by Lynda Bevan

I read it in one single go after work until midnight and felt relieved. I can highly recommend this book to everyone who knows what jealousy is and how it feels to suffer from it.

When I read the first page I knew that Lynda knows what she is talking about:

„Jealousy cunningly lies under the surface of love, hate, and desire, waiting for the opportunity to jump out and show itself. Jealousy takes pleasure in sowing seeds of discontentment in your mind and is only sated when disharmony occurs. If you have a seed of doubt in your mind about your partner and/ or your relationship, your jealous thoughts will take you through a series of negative scenarios as a means of torturing you. It feels terrible but you, somehow, can’t stop or help yourself from sliding down the road to despair. Jealousy brings about an emotional state of being “out of control.” Only someone who has experienced jealousy can fully comprehend how awful this feeling is. You know what you are doing but you can’t stop it. Jealousy feeds you the mental images of your worst scenario and leaves you feeling angry, empty, and dissatisfied.“

Lynda is right by saying that jealousy, once it has been there, won’t ever disappear completely, it will always wait to come out and mess with us. Still she encourages the reader to have faith in other people and yourself and warns „If you believe that all men/women are users and bastards, then these thoughts have a nasty habit of coming absolutely true.“ I personally do have faith in people, still there have been moments in my life when I watched people who I believed were good doing shockingly nasty things. These observations slightly maddened my mind and soul and surely didn’t help with my jealousy. Still I personally never experienced fraud or cheating on myself and have been treated with respect and affection at all times. And maybe this is the only thing that counts.

The paragraph that made me shine the most was this one:

What Is Faith? Faith is blind. Faith is a strong belief. It’s a feeling of warmth and loyalty you generate when you believe in yourself, your partner, your family, or others.

I decided to have faith in faith, always. Thanks, Lynda.

 

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